My grandma gifted me 'ogo Olodumare' just before she prayed for my mind to be healed. I'm mentally ill so she's not wrong, but I'm not interpreting her prayer as genuine concern for my mental wellbeing. It felt transphobic.
Before speaking to my grandma, my aunty prayed I'll have a family of my own. I don't recall putting in that prayer request. It felt sexist.
My grandma also prayed for me to use my talents to glorify Yahweh. I have nothing to offer the god of isntreal.
The melodious sound of 'ogo Olodumare' stayed with me despite the spiritually violent prayers.
I normally make very short songs but I wanted to give myself time with a drum beat and see what came up. I recorded this song in my living room, on Garageband using my computer mic and studio headphones.
I yawn, breathe, freestyle and basically have a one person jam session. Sounds from my office chair and my phone can be heard. It's okay, it's me and I'm a watery being making sounds. I have felt self conscious about my voice but I don't want to be anymore. I'm accepting my voice, my recording abilities, my composing ability, I'm accepting myself. And I'm sharing.
This freestyle is a reminder that I can do whatever I want when it comes to music.
I don't have the lyrics, I don't have the spoons, if someone else could help me add them in the comments I'd really appreciate it.
I'm about to be on Near FM 90.3fm to discuss my single "Omítórera"
Tune in now
Image description: a wall that has near90.3fm in white and red, mics can be seen in the foreground.
I want care I cannot buy
Care that can't be calculated with cash
Care that is dutiful and priceless
Care with compassion regardless of capital
Caring that is sharing
Giving and recieving
Loving and learning
I want care that will cure my despair
Care that comforts
Care that we share
Care that's open, curious and fair
I need all the care I can bare
Dedicated to Neltah 💓
Named after Gift
Trigger warning: suicidal ideation
You keep me alive
I don't want to survive
Its death without you
No grieving
No funeral
Its death without you
Only here because you are.
If you go
Its death without you
No sad songs,
No therapy
Its death without you
Life doesn't go on
Its death without you
Whatever is on the other side
We'll find out
This world is too ugly without you
Its death without you
Theres one option
Theres only death without you
--
July 2026 update - I wrote this about my sister years ago when we were both struggling with suicidal ideation. We are in A&E today due to her rapidly declining mental health. My mental health is declining as well.
She wants to live and I'm ready to die.
But there's no me without her. And I won't think twice about it. Energy never dies.
